SH3 Run #475 – Saturday, April 24, 2004

  Lost Jewels on Trail

Hare:  Family Jewels and Anahymen 

I admit it.  All I know about jewelry I learned from radio commercials.  Lets see:  #1) Go directly to the source: Check that – Family Jewels is the SH3 purveyor of fine trinkets.  #2) The guy who goes to the diamond mines of Africa has the best prices.  OK – Bellevue’s a hole on the eastside, it’ll have to do.  #3) Deal with someone you trust.  Wow, these are getting tougher.  Anahymen never served me cheap wine - that’s pretty much the only measure of character I have.  Check that too.   #4)  If a half-mind hare tells you to go to a start on the SW side of a lot, they actually mean the NE side.  Reading these now, I’m pretty confident that #4 is where I went wrong.  Evidently, ‘sense of direction’ was the first “lost jewel.”  I get it now.  Good one!

With the beer vehicle open, however, hashers came running out of bushes, cars, strollers, big white, wife-beater pickups.  Speaking of wife-beater pickups, Cosmo agreed to pay for Piss-N-Hole’s head (Head?  Who said Head?…)- although he complained the cost was fairly steep based on expected return (Seattle prices for goods and services being higher than what one is accustomed to in Tacoma).  In his own consumer advice moment, TweetHeart (recently transplanted from SFH3) explained to the SH3 that one cannot run after drinking a lager and a lighter pre-hash beverage would be more appropriate.  California is always so far ahead of the rest of the country.

The run instructions were simple.  The hares had littered the pristine neighborhood with Guatemalan ‘Aloha’ (Aloha?) candy medallions, beads, and last but not least…other beads.  Hounds who recovered these items would be golden showered in hash glory as official “Raiders of the Lost Crap”.  Family Jewels cautioned that the medallions are NOT to be eaten as they were from Central America (has anyone seen that expanded Axis of Evil list? – its getting long).  And before leaving, virgins Just Margo and Just Wayne watched amazed as Pedophilic Pussy Petter (P3) stepped into the circle and announced that this was the “gayest run EVER.”  Fish, however, quietly explained “its not really, he just says that whenever he’s bought a new outfit”.

Gold-rush madness followed on trail!  Jewel hungry, BOT and LP discarded their child in a wild dash around the Bellevue auto prison.  BOT was distracted while gushing over Slippery Finger’s legs on trail while her own were gams were gushing on trail (Poison Ivy goo gush that is!).  BonBon shortcut with Crash (as most cheatin’ Eastside ho’s are known to do) but LP remained focused and bagged the first “other beads” superprize.

By the second major jewel check, the pack was simply manic with far-less-than-semiprecious gem fever.  Boitano’s HardOn raced up the hill, down the hill, up the hill mumbling something about “gotta get me some”.  Beeming, StickyBuns bragged that even though she started slow, when we got to the woods, “I came the same time the wankers did!.”  Even though that’s a beautiful thing, Where’s later contradicted this statement by declaring that the no booty was found on that slope. 

Crazy-eyed, the pack scrambled up to a high train trestle.  Festering Drip’s FRBing was cut short on the scree by BigBlackMail’s Iditarod ascent screaming “Zoe pull harder.”  (easy now, Zoe is the dog’s name).  Down below, TwatNot expertly gained passage for the rest of the hounds by explaining to the inquiring fireman that there is another group of billy goats right behind us that were FAR more tasty.  Some wanted to call TwatNot “the Fireman Whisperer” but I think that he’s still too pissed off about not making this year’s calendar.  At the top of the tracks, Just John proved my point about psychological screening for the hash, as he pointed out that this is the place where we are supposed to see dead people.

A beer check awaited near the top of the hill where our hares were found and P3 provided a free sneak peak of his upcoming Capitol Hill Saturday Night Fever cabaret performance.  We thanked him for the enlightenment and quickly fled.

In one of those little Bellevue parks where the signs are so overdone, Piss Boy’s training to keep his eyes at breast level paid off yet again when the last of the “other bead” superprizes was found in the trees.  Yet, before it was all over, LP outdid us all.  Claiming a free mobile bar set from the roadside, LP collected the greatest prize of the day.  In a very touching moment, and with a slight tear in his eye, he thanked the civilian for taking his alcohol abuse to an entirely new level. 

A sunny ON IN awaited with charges aplenty and songs straight out of Festering Drip’s Big Book of Karaoke (he’ll tell you that it is pronounced ‘Croakie’ but that’s just how we sound).

Virgins:  Just Margo and Just Wayne

Visitors:  Just Lara and Just Lucas

AutoHashing:    Sodomy (in flip flops – was he with P3?), Spike, BagOPorn (who was studying how to care for little babies but her book was illustrated with known hashers)

Best hairy nipples (male):  TwatNot

Best hairy nipples (female):  StickyBuns

Check Nazis:    BOT and Slippery Fingers (who didn’t get yelled at?)

Earth Day over-achiever:  Slippery Fingers for saving a worm from Festering Drip’s shoe

Most beads:*  Just Lucas (*protest underway under Hash Code 6969 for illegal combination)

Most coins:  Other drunken hashers

Transacting on Trail:  TweetHeart for improperly trying to sell property

What the F where you thinking:  Family Jewels for asking permission to run the train trestle.

Not updating the hotline:  Family Jewels and Anahymen

Updating the hotline:  LP

Actually owning the shirt he ran in:  P3 (thanks for the mammories, babe)

With the Rainier Light running low, hats were off, pots were on the ground, we swang low and got to the reindeer games that lasted well into the night.

Disclaimer:  I can’t vouch for the accuracy of anything in this trash apart from the hares being  half-minds, which is very true.                         On, on…Piss Boy