SH3
Run #475 – Saturday, April 24, 2004
Lost
Jewels on Trail
Hare: Family
Jewels and Anahymen
I admit it.
All I know about jewelry I learned from radio commercials.
Lets see: #1) Go directly to
the source: Check that – Family Jewels is the SH3 purveyor of fine
trinkets. #2) The guy who goes to the diamond mines of Africa has the
best prices. OK – Bellevue’s a
hole on the eastside, it’ll have to do. #3)
Deal with someone you trust. Wow,
these are getting tougher. Anahymen
never served me cheap wine - that’s pretty much the only measure of character
I have. Check that too.
#4) If a half-mind hare
tells you to go to a start on the SW side of a lot, they actually mean the NE
side. Reading these now, I’m
pretty confident that #4 is where I went wrong.
Evidently, ‘sense of direction’ was the first “lost jewel.”
I get it now. Good one!
With the beer vehicle
open, however, hashers came running out of bushes, cars, strollers, big white,
wife-beater pickups. Speaking of
wife-beater pickups, Cosmo agreed to pay for Piss-N-Hole’s head
(Head?
Who said Head?…)-
although he complained the cost was fairly steep based on expected return
(Seattle prices for goods and services being higher than what one is accustomed
to in Tacoma). In his own consumer
advice moment, TweetHeart (recently transplanted from SFH3) explained to
the SH3 that one cannot run after drinking a lager and a lighter pre-hash
beverage would be more appropriate. California
is always so far ahead of the rest of the country.
The run instructions
were simple. The hares had littered
the pristine neighborhood with Guatemalan ‘Aloha’ (Aloha?) candy medallions,
beads, and last but not least…other beads.
Hounds who recovered these items would be golden showered in hash glory
as official “Raiders of the Lost Crap”.
Family Jewels cautioned that the medallions are NOT to be eaten as
they were from Central America (has anyone seen that expanded Axis of Evil list?
– its getting long). And before
leaving, virgins Just Margo and Just Wayne watched amazed as Pedophilic
Pussy Petter (P3) stepped into the circle and announced that this was
the “gayest run EVER.” Fish,
however, quietly explained “its not really, he just says that whenever he’s
bought a new outfit”.
Gold-rush madness
followed on trail! Jewel hungry, BOT
and LP discarded their child in a wild dash around the Bellevue auto
prison. BOT was distracted
while gushing over Slippery Finger’s legs on trail while her own were
gams were gushing on trail (Poison Ivy goo gush that is!).
BonBon shortcut with Crash (as most cheatin’ Eastside
ho’s are known to do) but LP remained focused and bagged the first
“other beads” superprize.
By the second major
jewel check, the pack was simply manic with far-less-than-semiprecious gem
fever. Boitano’s HardOn
raced up the hill, down the hill, up the hill mumbling something about “gotta
get me some”. Beeming, StickyBuns
bragged that even though she started slow, when we got to the woods, “I came
the same time the wankers did!.” Even
though that’s a beautiful thing, Where’s later contradicted this
statement by declaring that the no booty was found on that slope.
Crazy-eyed, the pack
scrambled up to a high train trestle. Festering
Drip’s FRBing was cut short on the scree by BigBlackMail’s
Iditarod ascent screaming “Zoe pull harder.”
(easy now, Zoe is the dog’s name).
Down below, TwatNot expertly gained passage for the rest of
the hounds by explaining to the inquiring fireman that there is another group of
billy goats right behind us that were FAR more tasty.
Some wanted to call TwatNot “the Fireman Whisperer” but I
think that he’s still too pissed off about not making this year’s calendar.
At the top of the tracks, Just John proved my point about
psychological screening for the hash, as he pointed out that this is the place
where we are supposed to see dead people.
A beer check awaited
near the top of the hill where our hares were found and P3 provided a
free sneak peak of his upcoming Capitol Hill Saturday Night Fever cabaret
performance. We thanked him for the
enlightenment and quickly fled.
In one of those little
Bellevue parks where the signs are so overdone, Piss Boy’s training to
keep his eyes at breast level paid off yet again when the last of the “other
bead” superprizes was found in the trees.
Yet, before it was all over, LP outdid us all. Claiming a free mobile bar set from the roadside, LP collected
the greatest prize of the day. In a
very touching moment, and with a slight tear in his eye, he thanked the civilian
for taking his alcohol abuse to an entirely new level.
A sunny ON IN awaited
with charges aplenty and songs straight out of Festering Drip’s Big
Book of Karaoke (he’ll tell you that it is pronounced ‘Croakie’ but
that’s just how we sound).
Virgins:
Just Margo and Just Wayne
Visitors:
Just Lara and Just Lucas
AutoHashing:
Sodomy (in flip flops – was he with P3?), Spike, BagOPorn
(who was studying how to care for little babies but her book was illustrated
with known hashers)
Best hairy nipples
(male): TwatNot
Best hairy nipples
(female): StickyBuns
Check Nazis:
BOT and Slippery Fingers (who didn’t get yelled at?)
Earth Day
over-achiever: Slippery Fingers for
saving a worm from Festering Drip’s shoe
Most beads:*
Just Lucas (*protest underway under Hash Code 6969 for illegal
combination)
Most coins:
Other drunken hashers
Transacting on Trail:
TweetHeart for improperly trying to sell property
What the F where you
thinking: Family Jewels for
asking permission to run the train trestle.
Not updating the
hotline: Family Jewels and Anahymen
Updating the hotline:
LP
Actually owning the
shirt he ran in: P3 (thanks
for the mammories, babe)
With the Rainier Light
running low, hats were off, pots were on the ground, we swang low and got to the
reindeer games that lasted well into the night.
Disclaimer:
I can’t vouch for the accuracy of anything in this trash apart from the
hares being half-minds, which is
very true.
On, on…Piss Boy