The Roslyn 2004 Hash Para Olympic Games were indisputably an event of global range that attracted international attention. With the hashing world’s gaze turned towards infrastructure, organization, prices, and security, the Hash Para Olympic Committee had a major task and, at the same time, a unique ‘gamble’ to pull off if there was to be benefit to the Canadians and to all Hashers.

Half-mind events of merit:

Tent Sleep Marathon (Knees Wide Open and Swollen Gaping Festering Hole).  This event required a minimal 12-hour period spent in total tent seclusion with one of the participants suffering from some sort of head injury.  Knees took one on the jaw for the team.

Moat Digging – experimental event only (Gaylord Faulker a.k.a. Bubba Prude) Yes, Gaylord spent precious time and energy digging a two-inch moat surrounding his tent to avoid the inclement weather that never arrived.

Drunken Unsynchronized Shrinkage (Just a Little Prick and Lab Dancer) Despite having witnessed what can happen when you jump from perfectly stable land into frigid glacial runoff, these two half-minds took the plunge together.

Lantern Tittie Flashing (Wanks) Wanks opted out of the naked volleyball event to stay cozy by the fire.  Her penalty however was to flash her breasts whenever a lantern was shown on them.  I believe there were multiple lantern atrocities that resulted from the mere unveiling of her fine rack.  She even shattered the glass of one lantern with her nipple.

Naked Rock Bathing (Monkey Licker) This event required taunting and tormenting the neighboring campers until they could no longer take the sight of penis or breast.  It took Monkey several hours but he succeeded in the end.  He gained many points early in the day by frightening an entire family from the river and causing a woman to shriek in horror.  It was the Red Necks that wanted to beat his “pedophilic” ass that assured Monkey his victory in the end.

Beer Bottle Shielding (Maggot) Magot really is made out of Pittsburgh steel.  Many pieces of a shattered red neck’s beer bottle (see Naked Rock Bathing above) shot toward Magots body, but he was able to block them all.

Aunt Jemima Treatment (Boy Toy) A new hash para Olympic record was set by Boy Toy for the number of meat-flips in a 24-hour period.  Congratulations, Boy Toy!

The Cosmo Pentathlon (Cosmo) Five times over the edge and still able to masturbate. 

Hasher Hide and Seek (Lab Dancer, Money Licker, Ah Fuck It, Pylon, Choke n’Toke) We thought we kept the hash camp site a secret from this team of hashers, but through their non-stop bellowing of “Are You?” they were able to find us before the keg ran dry. 

The Sandy Vagina Competition (Twatty) Twat didn’t fail to expose himself and all his hair for a number of events, excelling in Naked Fire Jumping and then later in volleyball. If only he was able to control his chronic vomiting problem and rinse the sand out of his vagina, he would be a real champion.   

Ass Torture (Piss Boy) Piss Boy was disqualified at Saturday night’s naked midnight run but only because he was overtaken by a massive bush on trail…Harriettes later found him looking dazed and confused – but with a big smile - wondering what just hit him. This occurred after enduring 39 ass lickings by BOT, which was quickly forgotten once Jaeger Meister was applied. 

Female Naked Fire Jumping (100Db) 100DB was the only bimbo competitor in this event and so deserves special recognition even if she technically didn’t jump but first stumbled into the fire and then hopped. Still, we all saw loads of potential and look forward to her return next year! 

In addition, 100DB showed extreme enthusiasm for her team in naked volleyball but was unable to remember where she had put beer down every five minutes. For that alone, she will not receive an award. 

Gratuitous Nudity (Mr. Rogers) Mr. Rogers was overcome with gratitude for having seen so many topless harriettes over the weekend. When asked about Monkey Licker’s Canadian penis, though, Mr. Roger’s replied, “Penis? What penis? THAT penis? You call THAT a penis? “ 

Black Bear Beer Tasting (STP, Wanks, Mr. Rogers) While everyone thinks they know their Rainier from Oly, only three met the challenge and won, correctly identifying the Rainier – STP, Wanks and Mr. Rogers. Hats off to these fine wankers and bimbos. 

Hoolahoop Beer Drinking( Wanks, AssMa, Gaylord) This event involved keeping a giant hoolahoop turning around your waist as you downed a beer. Most wankers suck at this but many valiant efforts were made, including Gaylord and AssMa, who demonstrated that swinging a little booty and drinking are not strictly for bimbos. 

Wanks was the indisputable winner of this. Asked if she would compete in anything else, Wanks responded, “I came here for this event. It’s an event I’m strongest in and I think I kicked everyone’s asses. Now I can just drink.” 

Boat Race (Spike) Spike showed what true hash Olympian spirit was after Cosmo pushed her to the ground in one of the first events of the Olympics.  She in turn took Little Big Balls out 

Unassisted Chair Warming (RipTorn) RipTorn barely left the campfire over the weekend, choosing to be a spectator in most sports.  He did however make a fine cup of coffee and enjoyed some leftover Merlot early the next morning.. 

Animal Assisted Floatation (Bubba Prude) Slippery, BOT and 100db made a fine trio of synchronized equestrians atop the blow-up animals.  However, it was Gaylord who attained the highest score of the day with his over-the-waterfall-save-the-beer maneuver that gained him the gold.  The amazing feat was caught on film. 

Brick Support (Fish) As the Para-Olympics came to an end, most hashers were heading home to soak their wounds, but Fish was discovered belly up at the Brick tossing ‘em back.  Apparently he hadn’t had enough Manny’s! 

Here are the top eight comments made during the Hash Olympics: 
1. Magot: "Slippery can really weight lift. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing." 
2. AssMa: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother." 
3. Spike: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." 
4.  LP: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in hashing, but none of them really that serious." 
5. Mr. Rogers: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again." 
6. Wanks: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it.  In fact you can see it all over their faces." 
7. Piss Boy: "Ah, isn't that nice, BOT is hugging the cox of the British crew." 
8. Boy Toy: "One of the reasons Swollen is playing tennis so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . . .